Better said than done...It is 5:06a.m. I have been tossing and turning ALL night long, and finally decided to get up. My nerves are getting the best of me. I laid in bed having realizations, they always sound better in my head, but it is always hard to express it once I go to type it.
At the beginning of my blog I wrote a quote that I had seen at the Neurosurgeons office when I first found out about baby Angelina's condition. "Never let your fears outweigh your hopes" It has stayed with me through this whole journey but I don't always live by it. I have lived through fear this whole process. For example,my dear friends had a suprise baby shower for me. I cried like a baby when finding out that they had planed the baby shower in celebration of Baby Angelina, in one second seeing the ballons hanging from the chair "It's a Girl" was both a shock that they planned it for me and second, a shock that soon this baby girl that I have been so scarred of will be here. I was scarred to celebrate her coming, maybe if I didn't celebrate, my heart wouldn't get attached. ( a huge character defect of mine,if I don't get close, I won't get hurt).
Like I said a minute ago I have lived in fear this whole process. I am scarred shitless. I can handle the pain of an epidural (never had one) I can handle the thought of being cut open, or even recovering from the c-section, but what scares me the most, is seeing baby Angelina, I am scarred of her. I sit here crying thinking of how scarred I am.I am frightened of seeing her back for the first time, of diagnosis the doctors will be telling me, I am scarred for her to go into surgery, will she be in pain? All the questions of the past seven months are piling up and all the fears of these questions I have had, are all soon going to be answered... or may or not be reality.
Living in fear is sometimes a good thing. But from this minute forward, all the prayers that I have said, all the fears that I have, I give them to god, I have asked god through this whole process to please take my fears, and today, I am putting aside my fears, and the little Angel that I fear so much will be surrounded by HOPE and LOVE that will move mountains. I am ready for any Journey that comes my way my faith will outweigh my fears, I am ready for Angelina's Journey to begin!!!
I pray that God will take your fears and anxiety and replace them with peace, strength, comfort, and love. You are surrounded by so many people who love and support you. The road may have a few bumps in it, but you will get through it all. Just one day at a time. Love you, sweet cheeks!
ReplyDeleteYour fears are a natural response of "the unknown". You, though honey, have been on a journey to better yourself, know yourself, and improve yourself. This post is about pure honesty of your fears and about letting go. "Let go, let God" is the saying and you've done just that. I've told you before, Esther...you are such an inspiration to me. I have seen you grow so much over the years and you've shown me so many things that have enlightned me and helped me. You are an amazing person who has the ability to see themselves clearly and realize what drives you, motivates you, saddens you, frustrates you, etc...and make changes to make a difference in your life. You are clear and level headed, rational but optimistic, loving and wholly good natured. You are so many things that I hope to be. All of these things together have prepared you to be the mother you already are and will be to Angelina. That little girl has been given to you and your family as a special gift...she is just as lucky because God has chosen for only you to be her mother. Without you knowing it, I believe you've been preparing for this for quite a while now. You can do this, and I am only going to love you and admire you even more. Please know I am always here and will support you as you continue this journey. I love you.
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