"Never let your fears outweigh your hopes"....

Better said than done...It is 5:06a.m. I have been tossing and turning ALL night long, and finally decided to get up. My nerves are getting the best of me. I laid in bed having realizations, they always sound better in my head, but it is always hard to express it once I go to type it.

At the beginning of my blog I wrote a quote that I had seen at the Neurosurgeons office when I first found out about baby Angelina's condition. "Never let your fears outweigh your hopes" It has stayed with me through this whole journey but I don't always live by it. I have lived through fear this whole process. For example,my dear friends had a suprise baby shower for me. I cried like a baby when finding out that they had planed the baby shower in celebration of Baby Angelina, in one second seeing the ballons hanging from the chair "It's a Girl" was both a shock that they planned it for me and second, a shock that  soon this baby girl that I have been so scarred of will be here. I was scarred to celebrate her coming, maybe if I didn't celebrate, my heart wouldn't get attached. ( a huge character defect of mine,if I don't get close, I won't get hurt).

Like I said a minute ago I have lived in fear this whole process. I am scarred shitless. I can handle the pain of an epidural (never had one) I can handle the thought of being cut open, or even recovering from the c-section, but what scares me the most, is seeing baby Angelina, I am scarred of her. I sit here crying thinking of how scarred I am.I am frightened of seeing her back for the first time, of diagnosis the doctors will be telling me, I am scarred for her to go into surgery, will she be in pain? All the questions of the past seven months are piling up and all the fears of these questions I have had, are all soon going to be answered... or may or not be reality.

Living in fear is sometimes a good thing. But from this minute forward, all the prayers that I have said, all the fears that I have, I give them to god, I have asked god through this whole process to please take my fears, and today, I am putting aside my fears, and the little Angel that I fear so much will be surrounded by HOPE and LOVE that will move mountains. I am ready for any Journey that comes my way my faith will outweigh my fears, I am ready for Angelina's Journey to begin!!!

Ten more days!!!

SO, I went in yesterday for my final doctors appointment. Angelina looked so good. She is weighing in at 6pds 12ounces. She continues to not have fluid on her brain (hydrocephalus), and as far as her lesion, the doctors still don't see a cyst that you normally see on Spina Bifida baby's that have Mylomeningocele. SO, what does that all mean...it means that we have to "wait and see" until she is born.

Thursday the 29th I check in at 10:30 a.m. and they will do the c-section at 12:30, depending on how she is doing they will take her to surgery that evening or the next morning. I am sure I am repeating myself, but honestly it is nice to not have anything change the last few months, no bad news just good I am so grateful for that. I will make sure I update my blog with pictures and how she is doing.