New Beginnings

Lemon Sign Marker for Spina Bifida

Angelina is due January 5th 2012. I found out at my 18week Ultra Sound that we are going to have  another beautiful baby girl. Although, my son Alexander was not happy at all because he wanted another brother, we knew that she was going to be just as special as our other children. I waited in the room with my two youngest Alexander and Athena to hear from the doctor. The doctor came in and she looked at me and said " I wish I had good news for you", I wasn't really paying attention because Alexander and Athena were fighting over a baggie of cheerios. I looked at the doctor and asked her what was wrong, she looked at me and said " your baby's head is deformed and she has no cerebellum, we are wanting you to go to a specialist to get further Ultrasounds". I felt like a bomb dropped in the room, and my ears started ringing from the loud noise. All I heard was my kids fighting over the cheerios and the doctor looking at me, she was talking but till this day I have no idea what she said. I left the room with papers in my hand that the doctor gave me for the specialist. My kids followed behind me, I stood in the hallway and cried. I walked to my car and sat in the seat and cried some more. I called George and grasping through air told him exactly what the doctor said, well exactly what I had heard. George has always been my rock when he is strong I can be strong, when I see him melt, (which is very rare) I get anxious and melt myself. He came home hours later to console me. I got a call about an hour later from the referral nurse at my ob/gyn, who confirmed my appointment with the specialist. Our appointment was scheduled for that day, it was a Friday at 3p.m., come hell or high water we would be there!! Three came around and we found ourselves at the specialists office. Dr. Wolfson a older doctor came in the room and started doing the ultrasound. He said the deformity that my ob/gyn. was talking about was called the "lemon sign" its a marker for Spina Bifida. He also said that he could not see the cerebellum but assumed it was being pulled down from the tethering of the spinal cord because the baby had a open lesion in her back. The next thing he looked for was the lesion. After about thirty minutes, he found the opening at around S1-S2. Which means her sacrum. He explained that the lower the lesion level the better the outcome. Meaning hoping for less disabilities. We were at the doctor from 3pm until past closing with the doctor. I was so grateful to him that day. He was very compassionate, didn't scare us. He just gave us the facts and advised us not to go on the internet and Google. The next few weeks were a blur, I cried every day, I felt like I was mourning the loss of a loved one, I guess I was mourning the loss of a baby I thought I was having. I posted a paragraph out of my journal, details some of the thoughts I was having, we were also at a cross roads,

August 19, 2011-

I am in fear, I get consumed with fear. Were my whole body will shake and get butterflies. I am fearful of the spina bifida, and angry at the spina bifida. Not at the baby. Why can’t I make a decision and be ok with it? I had an appointment for termination yesterday and couldn’t do it. I felt angry and sad, and I was killing a baby because of her illness. I couldn’t live with myself. Yet, I sit here as I write this and am fearful an consumable fear that radiates my whole body and am scared of my decision of going through with pregnancy. I want this baby, I want her and love her. I don’t want the SB, I am scarred of her being deformed or having so many health problems. I am fearful of the worst. I have a hard time being ok with my decision, although it’s the right one. I can’t terminate this baby. What if she brings an amount of love, patience and strength to me that will change me forever? I am hoping this fear will go away. I am living in “what if” and fear and not faith and hope. God please consume me with hope and faith PLEASE.

I am now 28weeks pregnant and have come to peace with our decisions and cannot wait to meet our little girl. I still get scarred going to the doctors and hearing news about the baby. It is all a "wait and see" kind of process. The doctors won't know any "for Sure's" until the day we meet her and as she grows. We are a strong family, I am a strong person. I can cry, I can second guess, but I am a strong mother, Angelina is a fighter and that is what she will do, be strong like her family and we can all get through this together.
I am doing this blog so my family and friends can follow our journey. Thank You.